2 months

Well, I know it's been more than 2 months but I guess I was just takin a little time "away from it all" or whatever. Not sure exactly why I didn't post for so long but a big part of it was laziness Im sure. I kinda want to apologize for being so unavailable to everyone these past months, I think it's funny how I think Im losing touch with everyone and wonder why no one is hanging out anymore and then I realize I am drowning myself in work and Im not making time to do any hanging out anyways. Stupid Joe hahaha. Anyways, not a whole lot has been happening these past months, just a lot of work and stupid drama at work. Yesterday I almost flipped out cause one of my managers badmouthed me behind my back to the other managers, after I help her out more than anyone. But I got over it. She's mean, big whoop. It will be ok.

I miss so many of you. I don't know how to balance my life. I am trying to come back every week and be the same person I was the week before but that's kinda hard when you feel different every week anyways. Im not in a bad place at all I don't think, don't misinterpret this post, I just think I have no idea what place Im in to begin with, so it makes seeing the blessings around you a little more difficult. I am thankful still for my job, for my roommates who have been good to me, for everyone who texts or calls me randomly to keep me in the loop. I wish I had the guts to call you guys and just say hi instead of feeling sorry for myself hahaha. But I do what I can. I also don't really realize how busy other people are cause I assume I'm one of the more busy people. Typical selfish status hahaha. I wonder what I could do instead to be more productive instead of feeling sorry for myself....give me any ideas you might have!

I used to be with people all the time, or at least talking online a lot, but that's all changed since starting work and having my computer die on me. Yea I know, so sad. Im using mel's computer to blog right now, but I feel bad using it for much more. I don't even chat with it anymore. I am so used to being available to hang out I don't know what to think when I can't. But its ok. I think the worst part is I tend to think Im the only one really having a hard time, and then I wake up and look around and realize I shouldn't complain at all with my situation. I just need to learn how to cherish the time I have with people more and not think about what Im missing out on. I just realized I said basically the same thing in the previous paragraphs. Too bad haha

Um other than just the normal grind, not a whole lot is new with me. I am blogging mostly cause I saw derricks comment and I felt bad. I know when derrick complains about someone not blogging enough it must be serious because Derrick never complains haahaha. So yea, this one's for you man. Im stil prayin for you and your family too. Can't stop, won't stop.
Speaking of prayers, please pray for my friend Zach, he just learned he has cancer, and is getting surgery soon. Im prayin for you bro!

On a lighter note, my sister's second child is due on the 11th of march, which is cool cause it's my dad's birthday so that would be cool if that happened but you know how due dates are with babies haha. I haven't seen my family in a while so I bet everyone's like growing up like crazy. We'll see.

Im very confused. I don't know why I am switching between happy and kinda sad subjects. Im frustrated because I want so badly to tell a bunch of people how I have struggled not being able to have them in my life as much, but I really don't want to open up and be what I used to think was the "weak" one. Telling someone something like that takes much more strength than I had thought. So Ill just tell everyone I've been missing them and I need all of your prayers and support as well as patience with my absence. I guess it's a good time to ask why I am the way that I am. And I don't have a really good answer honestly. I just know I am drifting and I can't seem to touch solid ground. That's what He's for. He will be my rock, my strength, my salvation in the end. Help me to see it. In Him. In you. In myself. In every way I haven't and more fully in the ways that I have. I am Yours.

Why can't I just let go? Why can't I find the way to You? or to you? or you? or even you?
I make things more complicated than they need to be.
I don't give anyone else the benefit of the doubt.
But I still love everyone.
I am not angry at anyone but myself.

I thought for a little while that I was doing a meechy/kirsten-esque vague blog, but I don't do vague very well. I just dont do telling people whats going on forreal very well either. And I think that ends up sounding vague hahaha. Even those I thought I could tell I can't or haven't. but we'll see how that might change with trust in Him and in everyone else. I think Im done being a little bitch for now. Im praying for you. Say a prayer for me. and for someone else. I hope all of you are doing well and I want to see you soon! take care......much love,

Joe