the best christmas present ever...

Thanks for all the prayers, Cecilia Rose Spencer was born at 10:04 PM or some time around then last night....no saturday night. anyways yea she has some minor complications goin on right now, apparently nothing insane but just keep praying for her and my sister-in-law Cathy. Thanks.

I don't know why Im awake but I can't stop my mind from just thinking about lots of things. I have been thinking about how pissed I've been lately, even though its better than in the past it's still hard to keep smiling at someone that frustrates the hell out of you, whether it be someone you dont know or do. I don't know why this came into my mind at this hour or why Im blogging about it but I guess this is the only way to release any of the tension I was feeling earlier. I listened to people talk tonight and realized how blessed I am to help affirm in others what I should feel in myself but I can't make that push to practice what I preach or believe in everything I say right now....and it's killing me. I think part of it is me resigning to the fact that this will be my first christmas away from home. I never thought it would be hard. but it will be I think. I kind of criticized my brothers and sisters while they were in college for "flaking out" on the one holiday that seemed to bring everyone back and now it's my turn to realize what it is to give that up. my thoughts have been consumed with what I want to do versus what I have to do right now and I keep asking myself, "should I do it?...should I even think that's possible?.....should I even think thats a path worth taking for me, or is it a phase Ill grow out of like so many other things in my life". all these and more have been kinda popping up now and again, especially now. Why haven't I taken care of so many things that need taking care of? I get pissed at myself because I think about these things as I fall asleep and they keep me awake, so instead of fixing the problem I push it out of my mind, think of something happier and less frustrating, and then sleep that way. and when I wake up it kind of starts where I started the day before, not getting what needed to be done in the first place, done. Im failing in so many ways and Im only focusing on the non-spiritual side of my life. I don't know what kind of boost I need or what kind of release is necessary, but Im tired of going over the same thoughts during the day and then come night time falling asleep to the same euphoric thoughts, only to wake up in a cold sweat because Ive run out of time on my latest deadline. Im gonna sleep now and try not to think about the immense amount of pressure I feel to figure stuff out, to say what needs to said or do what needs to be done. rather Im going to pray and just lay there after the prayer and see what happens. if I sleep awesome. if I dont it wont surprise me but at least I won't be perpetuating anything self-destructive anymore. we'll see. Don't pray for me right now....pray for my niece. I can pray for myself at this point. and God willing I can recognize the grace of this struggle.